|
| | OK... it was suggested by TGM that I do a worst movies list. This is my list of worst movies that I paid money to see (in the theatre... renting a bad movie isn t nearly as big of a travesty). So, here they are, listed numerically with #1 being the worst not the least worst... with annotation of course!
10. Rush Hour I remember being excited to see this film. Chris Tucker can be annoying, but was cool in 5th Element, Jackie Chan is always entertaining even in bad films, so we figured it was a sure win. However, Tucker was in super annoying mode and the there was an unexplainable (unexcusable) lack of mesmerizing Jackie stunts... guess what? Jackie Chan s acting ability alone is not gonna carry a movie... EVER!
9. Thin Red Line Coming shortly off the heels of Saving Private Ryan (which I saw 5 times in the theatre) bp and I were really geared up for another grand WWII epic. Instead we were handed the most pretentious movie imaginable. Terrence Malick hadn t made a movie in 20 yrs before this one... if he makes another within 20 yrs it will be too soon. Every promising actor of the last 10 years had a cameo in the film... and each cameo role was more pointless and disposable than the previous. A few panoramic sweeping shots of an island paradise and an anti-war Albert Camus inspired lead are not the key ingredients of a decent war movie, idiot.
8. Every Romantic Comedy I ve Ever Begrudgingly Gone to as a "Date Movie" There are a few noted exceptions to the rule (French Kiss comes to mind) but nearly unequivocally these are all horrible. I often wondered if dating was really worth having to sit through these hackneyed, overwrought, piles of dung. If only we could isolate the gene that forces women to like these films I m sure we d be much closer to bridging the gap between the sexes.
7. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back This was a major disappointment. I had really enjoyed Kevin Smith s work up to this point in spite of his critical flaws as a director (and actor)... but this movie had nearly no redeeming value. Just a long series of unfunny inside jokes. Being intimately familiar with the View Askew universe, I got the inside jokes... they just weren t funny.
6. Lord of Illusions Saw this one in college with a bunch of buds. Figured Clive Barker, Scott Bakula... gotta be good. Wrong. The movie was convoluted and pointless... first movie I every wanted to walk out of. The best part of that movie going experience was during the previews when Mark T s date, Twirl Girl, stormed out of the theatre upon the showing of a raunchy Showgirls trailer.
5. Showgirls Speaking of Showgirls, what a horrible film. Chad and I felt obligated to go see this... the first major theatrical release of an NC-17 movie (we went purely for the historical merit). Strangley enough Verhoeven managed to make a non stop cornucopia of boobies feel tedious. Now that s a feet in bad film making.
4. Batman and Robin Now this was a horrible movie. Joel Schumacher showed even more fervor over killing this franchise than he did in the awful Batman Returns. Everything about this film was awful. Everything. Every scene, every character, every line of dialogue. A true cinematic abomination.
3. Battlefield Earth I hesitated to put this movie on the list as it almost succeeded as a comedy. I went with Sean and Bashore to see this one and we laughed our asses off the whole time. The whole movie was such an absurd joke. I can t imagine anyone enjoying this movie on any level other than as Plan 9-esque kitsch. And Travolta is gung ho to make a sequel? Fucking retarded Scientologists.
2. Pearl Harbor Another movie with grand expectations that sorely disappointed. In my mind this movie became the posterchild for the big budget Hollywood disaster... the archtype of flash over substance. Featuring some of the worst dialog ever written. Curse you Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer, curse you!
1. Star Wars Ep. 1 The Phantom Menace This steaming pile of offal was the king of all disappointments. I waited in line 17 hours for tickets. I was excited. I was pumped. I was ready for a life altering experience. What I got was absolute crap. A two hour toy comercial with live action cartoons. Horrible. Take away all the hype, expectations and the storied Star Wars franchise, and this movie still stinks. Stinks bad. I still remember Rich and the other early Guild folk pulling the pistol out of my mouth in the parking lot after opening night. Tragic. Episode 2 was nominally better, but nothing could erase the injustice that was Episode 1. <sigh>
Well, that s my list. Granted, the rankings are as much a factor of expectation as they are a matter of quality (or lack thereof). But, I m OK with that. There s a reason I spent good money to see these films... I wanted to see a good movie... I expected to see a good movie... and these were what I got instead. Damn you Hollywood, damn you. I m anxious to get to Philly where I ll have access to numerous arthouse theatre... there I may find respite from the Hollywood suits and their 'mass-market appeal' tripe.
-bampf
|
| 1/16/2003 12:16:15 PM "Twirl Girl" | I saw "Twirl Girl" recently when I went to visit Amber out in Albuquerque, NM. Twirl Girl's dating some guy who reminded me of one of the guys from the evil genius Trio in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: the TV series.
The Southwest is a pretty cool place. So very, very desolate. And tumbleweed really does tumble across the highway. I watched a guy in a filthy, rust-corroded station wagon from the 70's deliberately veer into one of the little buggers. Poor fragile bastard exploded into a thousand tiny fragments upon impact ... the tumbleweed, not the junky station wagon.
grm | | 1/16/2003 12:31:57 PM Change in title | | Now, granted I agree that there are some movies on this list that would make it to my list (number 8 comes to mind hehe), but I really think that you should rework this list and call it the top ten biggest disappointments. Except for number 8, I think all of these were hyped up to be good movies. Now Showgirls, would almost definitely make my list, I fortunately did not see Battlefield Earth. But some of the ones you mentioned were bigger disappointments than actual movie making disasters. Rush Hour was not the spectacle it should have been I agree, but still mildly entertaining. Didn't see the Thin Red Line. You know my views on number 8. I happened to enjoy the inside jokes of Jay and Silent Bob. This wasn't a masterpiece by any means or a coherent movie for that matter, but still had some value. Clive Barker's Lord of Illusions was crap, I agree. Only redeeming factor in Showgirls was Saved By the Bell's Jessie (Elizabeth Berkely) was the main character. I mean before that we thought she had disappeared. Joel Shumaker can suck my balls, and that goes for Jerry Bruckheimer too. This brings us to Episode I. Now I can completely understand your gripe here. The acting was horrible, Jar Jar Binks well you know, and the best actors didn't get a chance to do their thing (except for Liam which I am getting too). Liam Neeson made this movie have some Star Wars merit. I thought he was great as Qui Gon, and it added another dimension to the Star Wars story. The story itself fits fine into the grand scheme I think, but they really should have developed the characters more and gotten more into the story. The pod race was entertaining although predictable. The space battles were a little ordinary, but I have to admit, the Phantom Menace still has, in my opinion, the best lightsaber battle in Star Wars history. We aren't counting Yoda from AOTC, because he's Yoda. Was Phantom Menace crappy? Yeah, should it make the worst movies ever? I'm not so sure... but I understand your point. | | 1/16/2003 12:48:56 PM Worst... Disappointing... Whichever | True, the list is more a gauge of disappointment... but I think that s about as good as I can do. I do my best to avoid going to bad movies. I tend to read a lot of reviews and rarely every see a movie on a whim. Therefore I only pay money to see films that I feel will entertain... as a result, to me, the worst movies are the ones that disappoint.
And Episode 1 really is that bad. There are a few cool saber battles, but everything else was so unexplibably awful. Seeing the glorious franchise shreaded from within was heart wrenching... it really had to be my #1.
-b
PS This is in response to the above comment left by The Huy (he apparently forget to sign it) | | 1/16/2003 12:55:49 PM Alright I'll buy that | Ok by the subject, I'll buy that. I too also try my best to avoid bad movies. Hence the reason I didn't see Battlefield Earth or Pearl Harbor. I totally understand your point with Episode I, had it not been a "Star Wars" this would not have been as much of a travesty. I did find some redeeming value in Episode I though. However, I think both of the new ones fail to capture the once epic story telling of an incredibly trilogy. I think Lucas may have forgotten that what he created was an epic, not just another sci fi flick.
I'll sign it this time guys.
-The Huy | | 1/16/2003 1:52:34 PM Movie List | I agree with all of your picks expect for The Thin Red Line.
In the battle of Saipan in 1944, my father's father drove a Seabee that was shelled on the beach, leaving him with a sizeable piece of shrapnel in his back until the day he died. He received the Purple Heart, but his injury gave him health problems the remainder of his life. So, perhaps I have a bit more emotion invested in a WWII movie staged on a Pacific island than most other audience members. Anyway, having said that...
The Thin Red Line, while not the paragon of war movie making, is a remarkable piece of cinematography. The raw imagery of the film -- the gritty battle scenes, lush jungle landscapes, and tranquil island villages -- meshed with lines of poetry and mortar shells illustrate a dichotomy in human existance: notably, 'What the hell are we doing'? But the film does rise above the typical 'War, what it is a good for' formula.
The character of Pvt. Witt (James Caviezel) seems to serve as the vehicle for conveying Malick's sentiments on the subject. The images of Witt's interactions with the serene islanders stands in stark contrast to the warmongering of many of the other characters, and speaks to the duality of man -- "the Jungian thing," as Pvt. Joker espouses in FMJ.
From the standpoint of pure war film, I will agree that the movie falls short. But from a perspective of cinematic artwork, I think the film was brilliantly written and shot. Overall, I found Thin Red Line to be a unique and poetic take on the madness and ultimate futility that is modern warfare.
Although the audience encounters a couple war movie cliches (the bonds of trust formed between soldiers, the hell-or-highwater tactics of a bloodthirsty commander [Nick Nolte as Lt. Col. Gordon Tall], etc.), the film can't be categorized simply as a "war movie." It transcends the war genre by engaging its viewers with philosophical questions such as 'Why do we kill each other' and 'What does it mean to be human'? I especially enjoyed the end of the movie, wherein Company C, battered and exhausted, charges the hill and cuts down the Japanese soldiers like so much wheat. The slaughter blurs the pre-conceived image of "Enemy."
One might argue that most war movies attempt to engage the audience in philosophical questions about the purpose of war, and so why is Thin Red Line so special? In my mind, what differentiates the film from others in the genre, is the fact that Malick exposes what fighting a determined enemy on unfamiliar ground on a remote island might have been like. And his sweeping, panoramic shots establish a stillness that invite the audience to enter the world. But soon enough the calm is broken when a shell tears a massive chunk out of the landscape. The film's as much about man vs. nature as man vs. himself.
And if the primary argument against Thin Red Line is that the film is overly pretentious, you had better throw Apocalypse Now into the ring, too. That film rates way high on the pretension scale (though not as high as Solaris).
Private Ryan is an awesome and realistic war film, and in fact my favorite. But Thin Red Line captures the essence of the mental anguish of fighting against an entrenched and capable enemy in the Pacific. And for me, that helped me gain a better understanding of what my grandfather must have faced when he fought.
So that's my $0.02 on the matter. Sorry for writing an essay, but I don't believe the film deserves to be on a Bottom 10 list. You should replace it with Windtalkers.
:)
grm | | 1/16/2003 2:51:46 PM Still pretentious | OK... I ve created a monster. Obviously grm feels strongly about this movie, I still have to argue the film failed to effectively convey its message because it lacked subtilty and a coherent story (even as a backdrop). Rather than interweaving his message into a strong plot and story we re instead assaulted with a "war is evil" cinematic diatribe.
There were a ton of stark juxtapositions... sweeping bautiful shot... ugliness of war... sweeping beautiful shot... ugliness of war... it was too much... too direct and eventually delved into the realm of down right annoying. Throughout the movie, I kept thinking to myself, "OK, I get it. Now can we get back to the movie." We never did.
The pacing and plot was so disjointed. A convincing and engaging story as a backdrop to his "war is hell" message would have made the film effective... I think that is where Apocolypse Now succeeds and Thin Red Line fails.
So there. That was my take.
-b
PS And for the record, I didn t pay money to see Windtalkers... I read one too many reviews on that one. | | 1/16/2003 3:52:29 PM Yeah | Tell it on the mountain.
-Edogg | | 1/16/2003 8:56:56 PM Bringing Out The Dead | Actually, Bampf, your opinions of Thin Red Line are nearly identical to my take on Scorsese's Bringing Out The Dead:
While the photography of the film is remarkable and the acting solid and convincing, I felt the movie tried too hard conveying its message -- I could almost feel Scorsese gripping my arm and pleading, 'Hey, let me give you a bulleted list of the emotions I'm trying to invoke in you and the ethical questions I'm raising.'
Those were my words to the friend I saw the picture with who thinks the messages behind Bringing Out The Dead are delivered with brilliant subtlety.
So, I can empathize with the way you feel about Thin Red Line. Still, you have to admit it's a better film than Deathstalker III: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell.
grm | | 1/17/2003 12:25:03 AM My list is easier | 3. The Crow.
2. Bram "Stroker" Stoker's Dracula.
1. Anything with Julia Roberts.
Knn | | 1/17/2003 6:46:46 AM My Worst | Obviously you never saw "An Englishman who went up a hill and came down a mountian"
Dover | | 1/17/2003 7:14:47 AM The Julia Hatin Continues | Love the anti-Julia sentiment! You d think with all the Julia bashin going on she d be doing better in the Most Hated poll, where she has actually fallen behind Martin Lawrence on the Hate List.
Also, Yes, I would put Thin Red Line above Deathstalker III: Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell... those whacky warriors from hell... will they ever learn?
-b | | 1/17/2003 7:54:18 AM Bollocks! | Terrance Malick's "Thin Red Line" was a despicable piece of anti-war garbage. I distinctly remember asking Bampf what time it was after what seemed like an eternity only to find out we were only 20 minutes or so into the flick. The original movie from the 50s is marginally better (the scene with the Jap calling and asking for the fella's number is priceless) and the book is great. So much for the pinheads of the Vietnam generation trying to interpret the true costs and realities of war. Hell, the Vietnam generation can't even get Vietnam right...how the heck do they expect to interpret a "good war."
Kudos though - per grm's point - for making a flick about the war in the Pacific. Given the asinine puddle of poo that is "Pearl Harbor" (actually 3 movies in one, and all of them bad), the relatively boring "Tora Tora Tora," the good old 70s standby of "Midway" and the most recent mess of "Windtalkers" there just ain't much out there about the Pacific. Odd. I suppose there just wasn't the "glamour" about the Pacific Theatre that there was about the ETO.
Otherwise, I have to agree almost completely with Bampf's list. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back was a lot better than he gives it credit for - it may actually be my fave of the four thus far - but there's enough crap in there to warrant a ranking regardless of how enjoyable the flick is to watch.
To the list I'd have to add/substitute:
"Mary Reilly"
"Magnolia"
Anything by Coppola, Scorcese or Kubrick in the last 5 (10?) years. "Bringing Out the Dead" was really bad...I heard "Eyes Wide Shut" was too.
-bp | | 1/17/2003 8:51:50 AM Sheer Dissapointment Factor | My top 10 picks for Sheer Dissapointment Factor [of those movies that I paid to see in the theatre]:
The Puppet Masters
Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
Wag the Dog
Jackie Brown
The Devil's Advocate
A.I.
The Net
Bringing Out the Dead
The Ninth Gate
Solaris
grm | | 1/17/2003 9:08:24 AM Nice list | Nice disappointment list there from grm... I had enough sense to avoid all of those movies in the theatre save Jackie Brown, which was a major disappointment for a Terantino vehicle... although it did feature one of the best Samual L lines ever:
"AK-47. When you absolutely positively have to kill every mutha fucker in the room, accept no substitutes."
Yeah... I love my AK.
-b | | 1/17/2003 10:01:08 AM Right On! | Damn, forgot about A.I! Man, that was piss poor.
-bp | | 1/21/2003 6:14:27 AM AI | Yeah, I totally forgot to mention AI. Especially since that goof Dean likes that movie. What a piece of utter garbage.
-The Huy | | 2/21/2009 9:22:51 PM Bomwtvdc | | Very funny pictures |
|